Love me some Hambone

Stayin' Cool

Whatcha doing? Stayin' cool, fool.

My shopping list includes light bulbs and baking soda. If I were a science head, I could probably concoct something amazing with those two ingredients, but I just need to see what smells and then mask the odor.

In reality, nothing smells that terrible but it is time to change the old box in the fridge. I also have new lights and thus need bulbs to render them function. Well, they are functional, I jacked bulbs from pre-existing lights and bestowed them upon the newbies. The old ones are totally jealous and I can't say I blame them. When they get new shiny bulbs they'll realize I had their best interest in mind all along.

After you gaze upon this guy (Courtesy Evan Greenspan's Flickr) you should look at other stuff like Chronically Vintage's Canada Day attire and these Smashing Magazine July desktop wallpapers featured on Quiltish. Maybe I'll go shopping.

Why Not

from Mark & The Zebra on flickr

Don't Put Your Rubbish in My Bin

I've been an eBay shopper for 10 years and never had a bad experience. I don't want to elaborate because the entire situation was mentally and emotionally taxing. And here's the rub: another buyer responded to my feedback in THEIR feedback?!? What gives? Just because I have a negative experience doesn't mean you will. I purchased over 50 lots from this seller, you got 1 99-cent auction. I'm glad this seller was nice to you (and your paltry purchase), but I got a poked with a poo stick. And your jibberish grammatically challenged remark greatly mimics that of the seller, so perhaps you are birds of a feather. I will not comment on your experience, so don't comment on mine. (If you had a malpractice suit against a doctor who cut off the wrong leg, and I too was a patient of that same doctor, I have no right to call your feelings nonsense just because I had a positive experience. It's a fool who sticks their nose in the business dealings of others, sir or madam.)

While the other shopper knows nothing of my situation, they choose to say my opinion is a "buncha crap." I'll not fling fire back directly, for I try never to engage drunks or fools in conversation. It's a lose-lose situation. I'm not disputing their positive experience; I've no dog in that hunt. He or she would do well to keep my name off their lips and off their typing.

Now dear readers, please kindly forgive my rant. We live in a world rife with ignorance and sin. God forgives sin, but darned if I don't have the hardest time forgiving ignorance, blatant stupidity or rubbernecking. And I'd gladly stick my hand out for the swat of a Catholic nun, although I that too is a ridiculous form of purification. As for cleansing, I'll need to do something to remove the stench of a bad deal from these beads, a negativity which I can't have obstructing my creativity.


Lovely image by Big Fat Rat found on Flickr

Best in Class

An original Audrey composition, a small tribute.

Black patent leather pumps are always the right choice in footwear.

I tell myself this, because I had to trek up a hill in 16 inches of snow wearing black pumps. A little bit fun, a whole lot of painful. Had I known I'd be in for a winter wonderland, I may have opted for some snow boots, but where's the random in that? Stay tuned for a happy holiday post tomorrow; right now, I'll be thawing out my ankles.

Self-medicating with laughter.

I'm self-medicating this yucky cold with laughter. Take a gander at this funny and you'll feel better too.

From Mirko Caserta/Flickr

Thanks, but No Thanks for Your Support

Sometimes you wake up with crummy ideas. Today I woke up with someone else's crummy suggestion.

Yes Virginia, There is a Liger (with claws)

I've got fabulous stories to share from my extended carnie tour, including a bit on couch surfing, but first things first.

Being a carnie has it's perks, but there can be none better than chatting up a wild cat handler for a glimpse of the liger.

Ligers are real! It's not just some Napolean Dynamite doodle as I once imagined. But wait, there's more...I got to FEED a liger. Seriously. It involved meat on a stick and not my flesh, thankfully. And it was totally magic.

H1N1 is No Fun

I've got swine flu and pneumonia. :(

Old and Scary

Sorry, this post isn't talking about your toothless Great Uncle Gerald. No, the old and scary featured are vintage frights, perfect for your Halloween festivities. Or anytime, if you happen to be a weirdo. What better way to terrorize those you love than with a ghastly disguise? Check out the mask menagerie below and be inspired for classic ways to haunt and taunt.

Best Natural Remedy for Annoying Coworkers

Nothing says, "Hands off my stapler," better than an eco-friendly tribal relic. Keep it in your cubicle and be ready to OOGA BOOGA at will. Free voodoo curse available with purchase.
CozyStudio, $35

Best Travel Aid for Silencing Fellow Plane Passengers 
There are times when a polite greeting and social small talk can be comfort on a long flight. For the remaining 90% of air travel, allow me to present this vintage 40's era handpainted gauze mask, an affordable option for guys and gals on the go. Light and portable, it will breeze past security without adding extra weight to your carry-on. Once comfortably seated, secure mask firmly on face and assume nap position. Remain silent for the duration of the flight, and thank me for helping you enjoy a pleasant flight.
TinselandTrinkets, $3
Best Stalker Deterrent 

Face it, you can't help being irresistible. Too bad those charms are so powerful - there's no way to zero in on just one sweetie! What to do when Creepy Carl or Desperate Donna manage to weave into your web? It's hard to shake those clingy catches without a fail-proof plan. Why not send a clear message with  this 1970's-era Gargamel/Fred Flintstone/Psychobilly Mask? After all, this is no time to be subtle. You'll quickly quell any romantic interest, saving valuable time that could be spent playing Casanova to other cuties.
BytheWayside, $12

Best Anti-Childwatching Device 
It's not that you dislike children, really. It's just your friend Rhonda has decided to be fruitful and multiply for the fifth time and you kinda enjoy your weeknights whine-and-booger-free. Don't clown around! Take a stance for your free time. Next time someone tries to sucker you into pro bono babysitting, tell them you've taken an interest in carnival living. Wearing this mask insures no one (with legal custody or visitation rights) will trust you to watch their little angels.

RoseLuv, $12

Help Wanted or Needed?

Ever notice that job openings are generally described as "Help Wanted," versus "Help Needed"? It's rather nonchalant, don't you think? And as for the realm of help needed, you might want to check out Tweetplate.com and purchase a bit of graphic design support. Proceeds go towards funding my existence.

Creepy Baby Alert

Babies have this magical ability to be both the most beautiful creatures and the most terrifying. Hence, The Omen. Or there are the horrors of the doll, the infant effigy portrayed in many a film. I remember in photography class as an undergrad, snapping shots of old buildings in Philly. One facade had three cherub heads mounted closely, recalling Cerberus. I titled the photo, "Scary Babies," and my photography professor noted the print was mediocre, but the title apt. I still have "Scary Babies" in my portfolio as it's not something you can get rid of easily.

What's with all the scary baby talk? Well, I updated my Etsy shop, JetWhitePonytail, and was perusing other shops when I stumbled upon this "find." For the small pittance of $10.50, you have your very own Evil Baby Wall Plaque. Great gift idea for the person you despise most in the universe.  Enjoy.

Tater Terror

A series of random events reminded me of a sophomore year dorm incident. I was in particularly giddy/creative mood, so I (with friend watching/frowning) made a potato man. This potato man wasn't very distinct, aside from his hard-to-miss potato manness. Thinking I was quite clever, I proceeded to go and share my gift to the world with several floor mates. My nonsupportive friend accompanied me as I knocked on many doors, most opening to find my robust tuber pal. Many eyes rolled, jaws dropped. Not nearly as many laughs as I thought, but possibly due to the sourpuss expression on my frowny friend's face. Certainly it wasn't potato's fault.
Almost done with mission, I visited one more friend. She opened the door, shrieked, covered her face and writhed, and slammed the door. Huh? A second knock later and I discovered my friend had a fear of potatoes. Turns out the eyes that grow really long on an old potato were quite traumatizing. I, quite perplexed, muttered an apology and returned to my room to contemplate/laugh hysterically. Sure, I felt bad about it, but who knew? How can you predict something like that? Later I developed a pseudo-phobia of "coupon booklets," but that's another story. Meanwhile, enjoy this relevant clip.